Just a Realization
Hi, everyone. =) May gusto sana akong i-post ditong blog entry ko, just in case someone should drop by. Gusto ko lang 'tong i-share, which I normally don't do. Pero lesson learned kasi sa'kin 'to, and hopefully, others may benefit from it.
Haha. I think you'll figure out bakit gusto kong i-share 'to. =) I hope this helps anyone in need of it. =) 'Ayun lang. God bless, everyone! (^_^)
Just a Realization
Hmm. Ang tagal
kong hindi nakapag-blog a. 
Haha. Haaay. Ang daming nangyari, although ang hirap
ikuwentong lahat kasi parang ang hirap nang hugutin lahat ulit. Haha. Oh well, ewan
ko ba, dati therapeutic talaga sa’kin ang blogging e. As in gusto ko kasi
nakakapag-rant ako, pero gusto ko nashe-share ko sa iba, although to a limited
few talaga. Kaya nga nu’ng sa Friendster ako nagba-blog, puro poems, hindi ako
nagpo-prose, para discreet. 
Hahaha! ‘Tsaka p’wede akong magsulat tungkol sa mga
bagay na dapat e secret lang! Hehe. 
So bakit ako
nag-blog ulit ngayon? Wala lang. Siguro na-miss ko lang rin magsulat. ‘Tsaka I
just want to record something din.
Hmm. I just
remembered something last night. I remembered a sonnet I wrote last year, a bitter
one, sobra. 
Haha. Nagre-reklamo talaga ako n’un kay Lord, kasi ang sakit-sakit
na talaga ng puso ko n’un. Sobrang daming feelings at emotions na
nagsa-struggle ako with, tapos parang struggling with them doesn’t get me
anywhere naman, so parang why bother? 
‘Ayun, at talagang frustrated ako n’un.
Then recently,
well, last night actually, I read something in a book, John Eldrege’s “Wild at
Heart”. Inuulit kong basahin yu’ng libro, at hina-highlight ko na parang
devotional type. Para ‘pag kailangan ko ulit
i-review, at ‘pag kailangan ko nang i-hand-down yu’ng book (ewan ko kung kanino,
baka sa disciple ko, o baka sa anak ko siguro), pointed-out ko na d’un yu’ng
mga importanteng bagay. I learned many things from that book. I’m grateful for
Ate Hannah’s recommendation to read it. Haha. At isa ito sa mga natutunan ko,
well, ngayon ko lang na-appreciate yu’ng idea na ‘to, kasi ngayon ko lang rin
parang inaaral. ‘Ayun.
So ito yu’ng
sonnet na ‘yun:
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
cryofthecreated
Memories that bring me to the dreams I once sought,
Memories that remind me the bliss of feeling –
Wipe them away, my God, for they seem just for naught,
For in the end, they just bring me the shame and sting.
Why do emotions bind my heart the way they do?
Do You seek Your glory in this stale bitterness?
Please let me forget the things that keep me from You,
Things that make my heart melt in sweetness and caress.
You could have made my heart a rock that doesn’t break,
I could have been useful in a pillar with silt.
But You did not; You willed it as all things You make –
Purposeful. So I am wonderfully built.
And how am I supposed to glorify You now
With this feeling, hurting, burning heart of mine? How?!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Nu’ng time na
sinulat ko ‘yan, sobrang gusto ko na lang sanang hindi na lang ako nakakaramdam,
dahil nga ang sakit-sakit ng puso ko. 
Tinanong ko talaga si Lord kung bakit hindi
pa Niya ginawang bato yu’ng puso ko, para hindi na lang ako nakakaramdam ng
sakit. 
E ‘di mas okay, para nakakakilos pa rin ako. Kasi hindi talaga ako
maka-concentrate nang matino sa kahit anong bagay n’un e.
And you know what?
God answered me. 
“ ‘I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.’ ” – Ezekiel 36: 26-27
He gave me a heart
of flesh, not a heart of stone; a heart of flesh that can feel and can melt and
can hurt and can burn.
I read in another
book, Paul Brand and Philip Yancey’s “The Gift of Pain” (a book recommended by
Yang, a course-mate, a good friend, and a sister in Christ), that pain is a
gift, yet nobody really wants it. I haven’t finished the book yet; I’m still
stuck somewhere in Chapter 5. Haha. Anyway, do you know why God embedded maybe
more than a billion free nerve endings in the whole human body, and thus, even
when what we experience is just emotional pain, it still hurts? According to
Brand and Yancey, it is so that we will know that something is wrong with our
body.
Do you know why
lepers are like that, with deformed body parts that look as if they’re just
rotting right there and then? 
Because they are permanently numb. They don’t
feel anything. Since I haven’t finished the book yet, I still don’t know why
and how this is so. But because lepers don’t feel that their feet need rest from
walking around, o kahit nagkakapaltos na’t lahat yu’ng mga daliri nila sa
paghawak ng mga maiinit na bagay, akala nila okay pa rin sila, kasi they don’t
feel pain. In short, pain reminds us that there is something wrong, and that we
have to do something about it, or i-protect yu’ng masakit na part na ‘yun.
So pain really
hurts. Yet it is good. 
To God be the
glory, in all things, kahit pa galing ‘yun sa mga pinakamalalalim na sugat ng
puso ko.
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